Thursday, August 27, 2009


This entry is sort of personal. If you don't want to read it for that reason, I understand. It's not something I'd normally share, but it's what's going on in my life, and most of the people who read this are people who know me in real life, anyway. I am someone who believes that most humans share the same feelings, struggles, and joys; that my joys and sorrows are little different than most other peoples. I also have a real issue with blogs that do nothing but present a little picture of perfection. I am not perfect, and I think that setting oneself up that way does nothing more than discourage others. I don't cook very often, sometimes my husband leaves his empty glasses of milk and dirty socks lying around and I let that irritate the crap out of me, I am not nearly as disciplined when it comes to exercise and cleaning as I should be.

So the truth is that Rob and I want a baby. It would probably not be so urgent in our minds, as I am trying to go to nursing school and he is getting settled into a paramedic career, and time for both of us is short. But time is short in more ways than one, and my gynecologist believes, based on bloodwork, that I am rapidly hurtling towards an early menopause. We're talking menopause before the age of thirty if his and my reproductive endocrinologist opinions are correct. Because of this, and a long history of other things, my gyn agreed to fertility drugs without waiting the usual year-of-trying waiting period. The first month of Clomid produced three embryos, but none of them were able to implant. I'm in the middle of the second month now, but after next month, we will probably stop the drugs for a variety of reasons. I don't think we'll pursue further fertility treatments, at least not for a while.

I may never have a biological child, I may never have any sort of child, but we decided that we would rather try and fail, than choose to not try and wonder later on. And it has been pointed out by several people that, had I chosen to marry earlier and start popping out kids, I probably could have had some. And my doctors agree with that; I waited too long. My response, of course, is that I cannot believe what some people think is their business.

But I had to think about this. Perhaps I did wait too long; putting education and career ahead of family...but I truly feel that I would have missed out on a great deal if I had married young and starting popping babies out. I would have missed friends, and travel, and education, and a whole host of things that contribute to me being well-rounded as a person. If we have children now, we will be able to support them, financially and emotionally. We are both older and have enough life experience to have patience and love for our children, and not feel like we missed out on anything in life. Granted, a baby now would mean that I would be mostly absent for the first four years of it's life due to finishing my degrees, but the end result would be worth the short-term sacrifice. A baby in our lives right now would not be the best of plans, but we have decided it would be better than looking back and wishing we had had a child.

So I don't think it is a waste. I think nothing in my life has been a waste. If we are meant to have children(and it will be only one; I have no real desire for any more than that), then we will. If not, and it is too late, then we are so very happy alone, in our busy and hectic lives right now where we seem like ships passing in the night, and none of that will have to change. But for now we will try, for another few months at least, and whatever happens, happens.


Life More Simply said...

don't rule out adoption, either. It's an extremely enticing option for me for any future children...

smoore2213 said...

It's just SO EXPENSIVE. But if we are unable to have biological children, we are seriously talking about adopting a medically needy child and using subsidies to do so.

I mean, if anyone can handle a kid with a trach, it should be us.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I pray that you will be able to have a child.

I agree with you about blogs. People want to paint a perfect image of themselves.

I think it is important to share the good, the bad and the ugly. How else can God be glorified? How else can people relate?

I will be praying for your situation.

I hope this comment goes through. I've never been able to post before on your blog!

PS. Thanks for sharing your heart.