Thinking

One of us is gone tonight.

We sit, numb. Wondering. Trying to imagine what would cause a friend to take his own life.
Shock.
Disbelief.

Breathe.
Trying not to imagine the scene, impossible for one who knows what happens when someone takes his life in such a violent way. Refusing to think of the smells, and the sounds, and the sights, even though we have seen it before, other people, other days. We know what it looks like.

Talking to each other. A coworker offered to cover the last two hours of my track shift if I wanted to go home.
I stayed.
IMing on Facebook.

Can you believe it?
God, no.
WTF. Why??? I would have listened if he needed to talk.

We talk to each other. Wondering. Stumbling blindly.
Reaching out to someone else for hope.



We all know that moment, even if we don't admit it to each other or even ourselves. Where we, too, might have made that decision.


But we didn't.


We walked on.


We believed life would get better, even when faced with all evidence to the contrary.
But it leaves us unable to judge someone who would make a different choice.