Adjusting

Thursday is my last shift in Ovid.  They don't know it yet, but it's pretty obvious it's coming.
I simply cannot work my schedule around Rob's, and he's making more money and carries the insurance for the family, it's my job that has to go.

I keep pointing out that maybe he would like to be a stay-at-home dad, and he keeps pointing out that it makes no sense for him to quit his full time job so I can get one.  Also, he's a little on the old-fashioned side, and has made it clear that he believes it is the husband's responsibility to provide for the family.
Which is all well and good, but full time day care is just about unaffordable, and when both parents are working 24-48 hour shifts, day care is pretty much impossible.

So I am relegated to staying at home with the baby.

I know there are women who love being stay-at-home moms.  Women who knew from the time they were young that they wanted to get married and have babies and create a home.  Women who spent their youth preparing for this.

I was not one of them.  I wanted a career, not babies.  I wanted an apartment, not a country home.  I wanted a lot of education and a job I enjoyed, not cookbooks and vacuuming. 
I didn't plan on falling in love with a paramedic, or being a paramedic myself.
I didn't expect that it would be almost impossible to coordinate two full-time paramedic schedules with child care. 
I certainly had no intention of falling in love and marrying someone who believed that it is the man's responsibility to provide financially for the family.
But I did.
All of this happened.  So now I am left asking--what do I do now?

Can I say that I am a little resentful?  That I don't know why my husband's career is taking precedence over mine?  Why his job change effectively means that I will never be a full time paramedic again, that there is no career track for me, that the most I can hope for is 12 hours of gainful employment a week? 
That I have no idea what stay at home mothers of infants do?
And that I don't really want to know?

But we have to look at all of this from a pragmatic and financial standpoint. 
And pragmatically, financially, working 45 hours a week isn't feasible for both parents in our household, and it appears to be my career that has to be sacrificed.

And it isn't to say that I don't love my Joshua.  Because I do.  But I'm not the type that is happy at home all day.  I long for big people conversation, ideas, things to do.  I worked one day last week, and my house got completely clean, and Josh and I went for lots of walks and to the park, and I cooked dinner every night, and I was totally, completely, depths-of-despair miserable.  Gas prices are too high for me to drive anywhere, and there isn't anything in this little town to do other than go to Wal-Mart.

So I feel stuck.
And bored.
And trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work, when one of us really doesn't want it too.