Amazed

Sometimes, we don't always get what we want. I found out the last few weeks that my pregnancy had become even more complicated, with my child growing at an unusual speed. While the diabetes tests came back negative, it seems I do have a level of glucose intolerance, and my son was simply receiving too much sugar and growing too fast. A big baby is one thing. A big baby from a glucose intolerant mom is another, because the risk of hypoglycemia and brain damage during a natural delivery is quite high. Along with the risk of shoulders and abdomens getting stuck. All this together has led us to choose to have a scheduled c-section on May 26th.

I watched two c-sections when I was doing my operating room clinical time, and the first thing I vowed is that I would never, ever have one. The second thing I said to my husband after telling him I was pregnant was that I would not even consider a c-section. I thought they looked brutal and horrible when I was present for the two I saw, though both of those were medically necessary and, I had to admit, produced healthy, screaming, adorable babies along with healthy-but-tired moms.

And here I am, having one with my first child, which means every future child will also be born this way. Even if I found a doctor willing to do a VBAC, chances are over 70% that I will be a full blown gestational diabetic next time, requiring a c-section anyway. My OB asked how many children we plan on, and I answered truthfully--I have no idea. Maybe a lot, but I'm close to 29 years old. My body and hormones don't work right anyway, and I would not have conceived Joshua if I hadn't been taking Clomid. I would not have kept my precious baby had it not been for the weeks of progesterone supplements, even though it made me so sick. My days of fertility are rapidly drawing to a close--and maybe it's a blessing. Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. Maybe, knowing I will need c-sections, it eliminates a difficult choice between using birth control that we don't really believe in and having multiple c-sections, putting my health and safety in jepoardy. It's not a choice we'll have to make. It's a choice my body will make for me, easing gradually into an early menopause.

So Joshua Robert will be born in the morning of May 26th, unless, of course, he chooses to grace us with his presence before then. As of yesterday at 37 weeks, my child is measuring 8 pounds with the shoulders of a linebacker. He also has a lot of hair on his head--we were able to see it waving in the enormous amounts of amniotic fluid.

Twelve days, and I will be holding my firstborn child...I still stand amazed.