Monday, September 21, 2009

Baby thoughts

Recently, everyone has been asking me if I'm pregnant. I think because I'm almost 28 and have been married for six months, everyone seems to think I should get onto it. As I've mentioned before, I'm infertile, but most people are either unaware of it or exactly what it means. And, no, it wasn't a surprise; we knew before we were married that children weren't going to come the normal way. Yes, it is something that can be taken care of with fertility treatments, but our insurance doesn't cover them, and my husband is not interested in anything further than the ovulation stimulant I took for two months, with no success. So for us, fertility treatments, while they would give us a biological child(or two), are not an option. There is an almost certainty that I could get pregnant and carry a child if we used in vitro, but that is very expensive, and requires a great deal of tests and medical appointments and doctors to get to that point. Those things are just not something we want to pursue.
Adoption, of course, is an option; but more for my husband than for me. I have no doubt that I could love a non-biological child, but, again, the $40,000 and home studies and general hassel of an adoption just doesn't interest me. To be honest, I don't want to be a mother bad enough to go through all of that, trying to explain to a social worker that my husband and I are never, ever home, and probably never will be.
This leaves us pretty sure we will remain childless. Clomid, the drug I've been taking, generally is going to work in three months, or it doesn't work at all. I've taken it for two, no pregnancies that stuck, and I'm not interested in taking it a third month. I gained eleven pounds on it, and to be honest, a potential pregnancy isn't really worth eleven pounds in six weeks for me. My husband agrees with me, and so we're not continuing that.
And the thing is, we're happy. Our lives are busy, and hectic, and I honestly cannot imagine putting a child in them. Our work schedules are conflicting and abnormal, and so often we work on call from home, making a baby difficult. I can't imagine being up all night with a baby, only to fall asleep for two hours before I have to be at work for another 12. I hate the idea of losing the spontaneity we have--if we want to fly to Kentucky for a weekend, we can do that. If we want to sleep in all day, we can do that, too(I did that today, but then, I was at work till 3 am). There is very little we can't do, and I like that.
Sometimes I wish people would stop asking, but I usually just say no, and when they ask why not, I just tell them I don't want kids. Which I think, honestly, is the bottom line--I could have a baby if I really wanted it, either adoption or more fertility treatments. But I have no desire to pursue either of those, and I think what that's telling me is that, deep down, I really don't want to have kids right now. This isn't to say that won't change in ten years, but, for right now, I'm perfectly content kneeling beside a patient with a serious head injury in the cool night air, intubating while my husband slides an IV into the patient's arm. We love each other, and we love our life, and, someday, people will stop asking us when we plan to make it different.


Life More Simply said...

I love how people always find annoying and dumb questions to ask. Doesn't matter what your situation is, they will find something...and it usually has to do with children! On another note, I met a woman who's one of 9 kids. She has infertility. She also has 56 great nieces and nephews and loves it.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I'm sorry people are so cruel. It sounds like you are accepting the situation very well. My stepmom was infertile and it still affects her. She has been through so many depressions because of it. She can not accept it and it saddens me.

It sounds like you are very content where you are. There is nothing wrong with that.

The Lord bless you!