Sunday, April 19, 2009


I love my husband.
Which may have something to do with why I married him, but anyway. Sometimes I don't like him. Sometimes, the last few weeks, I have wondered why we got married. Rob and I have very different belief systems and values. It is sometimes hard to see how the two can ever be reconciled, but they can, and they will.

Last night I realized again why I fell in love with him, somewhere dark under a cloudless sky, twenty-seven firefighters and a number of chiefs and a bunch of EMTs and two paramedics and a car down an embankment and four patients, I remembered why I fell in love with him. Because no one else has ever understood me so well. No one else is going to know what compells me to run out the door on my day off, six hours before I have to be back at work, to answer a call for a second paramedic to the scene. No one else is going to know why I can work 72 hours a week and be so happy; why I can be content with no hobbies, and so few friends(none of which I ever see), and everything else I have given up in order to be a firefighter-paramedic. He knows how lonely I get sometimes, and he understands. In the back of an ambulance on a rough call, he doesn't have to ask what I need, Rob just knows. He is starting an IV while I am holding pressure on a head wound; I spike the bag without him saying a word. He knows when I want two IVs in, or when I am thinking the patient is having a stroke even though the patient has no complaints or weakness or usual stroke signs. Rob was such a good BLS partner, I tell him, that I wanted to keep him around once he becomes ALS this June, so I married him.

EMS is not what we do. It is not a hobby, and it is not a job. It is what I was designed to do, even though I often cast longing looks at law school. There is much in life Rob and I do not share...but what we do share is in our blood now, buried deep within our bone marrow, and is part of who we are. It is what makes him my other half, the other half I spent 26 years of my life missing, without even knowing what I was looking for. And, yeah, there are a lot of differences in the way we approach life. The way we think about things, the way we want our children raised, the values we hold dear and want to instill in them--we have totally opposing views. And yet that's okay, that's what makes us human, and that's what makes life interesting. I cannot imagine my life without my husband.

We had a love so strong.. that is just seemed like we were one. I would get ready to tell him something and he would open his mouth and say the very thing, that I was fixing to tell him. And then. there were those moments when I would lay my head on his chest just to listen to his heart beat. And then one night. I realized that his heart beat, matched mine. I have had an opportunity that few people ever get on this earth. God has blessed me to share time and space with a man that he designed himself just for me. I’ve not only been blessed… I have been divinely favored. (Tyler Perry)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The paramedic

The Paramedic

The medic stood and faced God.
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his uniform was clean,
He'd gotten dressed kinda fast.

"Step forward now, paramedic.
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To my church have you been true?"

The medic squared his shoulders and said,
"No Lord I guess I ain't,
cause those of us who wade in blood,
can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was tough.
And at times I've been violent,
cause the streets are awful rough.

But I never took a penny
that wasn't mine to keep...
although I worked alot of overtime,
when the bills got far too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
except to calm their fears.
If you have a place for me, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't I undestand."

There was silence all around the throne,
where saints had often trod.
As there medic waited quietlyfor the judgement of his God.

"Step forward now, paramedic.
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on heavens streets.
You've done your time in hell."

Saturday, April 11, 2009

hard to write

I wrote thank you notes today from the wedding.
I had to call my mom to see what I should write. How do you put the sending address? I didn't change my name upon marriage, though I use his socially(like, on my facebook), it isn't legally changed and I have not used it. My theory was that I have had a wonderful 27 years as myself, and I saw no need to change anything upon marriage.

I eventually compromised with Rob G---- and Sara M----. It was just long and cumbersome, and I am not entirely certain most of the people I sent these thank yous to know that I didn't change my name. I am also not sure what some of them would think of it, and then I remembered that I don't care. I hold 3 degrees and two professional licenses under my name, and if all goes well, in another year, a master's degree as well. What other people think has no bearing on the way I live my life.

Tomorrow is Easter. My family stopped celebrating it years ago; my mother opting for the Jewish passover celebration instead. I never really celebrated either; Jewish traditions hold little meaning for me, Christian holidays even less.(Jewish holidays at least have their basis in something historical, Christian holiday roots lie in myths) I plan to sleep in and do dishes and get ready for a 6-day 12 hour shifts workweek. And laundry. I need to do laundry.

So...this is my life. I work two jobs. Miss having friends. My husband just got a new job and his shifts are opposite mine, so I won't see him(but I love having time alone, so it doesn't matter). And it's hard to write. Even for someone with a degree in writing, it's hard to write.